Two Is Less Than Three
by IWantedCaellach
Summary: He saw her naked in the prefects' Bathroom and now the forbidden fruit is hanging right in his face...
1. Chapter 1 Or, The Insanity Begins

Author's Note: This is my first fic... please be gentle! cowers

Also, all recognizable characters and/or situations belong to the fertile mind of J.K. Rowling, may God bless her soul for ever.

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Severus Snape sat slouched in his leather chair beside his desk. He stared at his lesson plan and let his mind wander from here to there as it liked, because he knew that if he let it touch on what was troubling him most he would most likely give in to the temptation to walk the fifteen and a half paces into his study and get very, very drunk.

"Gods _damn_ it! Why didn't I _knock_?" He slammed his fist onto the arm rest of his (rather expensive) furniture, as if by knocking now he could unsee Hermione Granger naked and dripping wet in the Prefects' Bathroom.

It was really nothing more than a very unfortunate accident. He had been billowing to the dungeons after a particularly trying supper which involved Albus asking him if he would like a gift certificate to a new beauty shop in Hogsmeade, Sybil Trelawney making eyes at him, and burnt steak to boot, when he suddenly had the urge to immediately seek out a restroom. He turned a corner, and there was the door he believe held relief- treacherous old castle.

And now he couldn't get the images out of his mind.

He held his narrow face in his hands and sighed wearily. "What am I going to do?" he mumbled to no one specific. _Well_, a naughty voice in the back of his mind whispered, _you could always go back to the bathroom sans boxers and..._

"Shut up already, you horny little devil! She's a student for Gods' sake."

_Well ex-_cuse_ me for offering a suggestion._

"Wow. Even my own mind loves to make me miserable. Fuck." With that concise expletive, Potions Master Severus Snape went to his liquor cabinet, intent on getting well and truly pissed.

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a/n: OK, I know it's short as hell, but it's 1:32 am and I'm really getting kind of sleepy. Thanks to anyone who is reading this, much love to you and... I know everyone hates this... but Please review!


	2. Chapter 2 Or, Dreams Are Phun!

A/N: Wow. I got home from mowing my grandpa's lawn to like thirty emails with reviews or people adding the story to their watch and favorite lists. I'm very, very grateful and appreciative, and will do my best to make the story as good as it is in my twisted little mind. :)

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The boggart looked down at its pretty body appreciatively, and then sighed as it returned to its former nothingness. It flitted back into the tap to wait for its next victim while wondering why that was the dour, frightening Professor's fear. _Ah well, diff'rent strokes for diff'rent folks... and Snape sure is diff'rent_.

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The real Hermione Granger, was, of course, snuggled safely in her bed in the Head Girl's room. She twisted beneath her sheets, her hands clenched into fists in her hair as her subconscious formulated a dream unlike she had ever had before...

DREEEEAM! oooo

She was looking at a room with stone walls, a king sized four-poster bed with lavish satin sheets and goose down pillows. Suddenly she walked in. Apparently she was to be a spectator and a participant in this dream. The dream Hermione was dressed in a slinky, sexy, scarlet gown that hugged every curve her school robes conveniently forgot was there, and on her dainty feet she wore vibrant red stilettos. She seated herself on the bed as though she was very familiar and comfortable in it, and then waved her wand. The music that started to play left the real Hermione helpless in her laughter- "I'm Too Sexy" performed by Alvin and the Chipmunks.

That laughter died immediately when none other that Professor Severus Snape strutted into the room wearing black leather pants and a Chippendale collar.

She watched, appalled and somewhat intrigued, as he moved closer to the dream Hermione, thrusting his pelvis back and forth and even putting his hands behind his head and gyrating like a rap music video extra. He turned around, and reached for the cuffs of his pants, then ripped them away with one smooth motion, revealing a shiny silver men's thong.

Hermione would have fallen if she had been a solid manifestation in the dream.

He turned around and grinned as the dream Hermione laughed hysterically at the miniature bow tie emblazoned on the thong, then moved forward as gracefully and quickly as a panther to pin her to the mattress.

Hermione awoke with a loud, "FUCK!"

But she only added "me" in her mind.

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A/N: Heh. Well, again, it's late, and I have an interview in the morning! Wish me luck and I hope you enjoyed this as much as I did. :wink:


	3. Chapter 3 Or, What Lies In Store

A/N: Awww

A/N: Awww! You guys like it  I'm very glad. To the reviewer who said the last chapter was disturbing- I agree. But Snape in a silver thong and collar&bow tie is a favorite giggle-image of mine.

All recognizable characters and situations are property of Her Divineness J.K. Rowling.

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Hermione sat up in bed, panting slightly and hugging herself._ Please tell me I did not just dream of... him… Me… __That__…_

She sighed and walked into her private bathroom to get a dose or two of very strong Dreamless Sleep draught.

"Fuck! How did I run out of that?" she sighed. Glancing at the clock, she reasoned that if she "borrowed" Harry's cloak really quickly and got to Snape's stores and back, no one would ever know.

………….

Severus squinted as the bright morning sun peeked cheerfully in through the enchanted window on the dungeon wall. "Damn it," he mumbled, pulling his opulent satin sheets over his throbbing head. "Fucking light…fucking sound…. Fucking hangover…" He got out of bed and stumbled into his Potions storeroom to get a hangover remedy.

He bumped into Hermione Granger.

They stood there for a moment, Hermione shaking in her nightgown while Snape glared down at her in complete fury.

"Just what in the HELL do you think you are doing in my private stores, Miss Granger?" he thundered.

She trembled even harder and backed up until her back hit a wall, then flinched as he swept in closer to her. They were nose to nose. She opened one eye and looked straight into his obsidian irises as he leaned forward and allowed his lips to brush against her ear, sending shocks through her.

"Get out before I have you expelled."

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A/N: Yeah, I know, evilness incarnate. :grin: Love me or hate me, I don't mind!

Bye for now luvs!


	4. Chapter 4 Or, Internal Dialogues

A/N: Luckly my sis felt better than she thought she would after surgery, so here's the new chapter!

All recognizable characters and situations are the creation of Her Amazingness J.K. Rowling.

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Hermione stood, trembling, as the Potions Master's breath grated in her ear. She knew she should be running from the room in terror right now but somehow she couldn't bring herself to move. An internal battle raged within her brilliant mind.

_Run! Before he kills you! Or worse, EXPELS you!_

_I can't move! He smells sooooo good..._

_WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU GIRL MOVE YOUR ASS!_

_No! Oh my god he's practically touching my neck..._

_I give up. :retreats to the back of her mind and sulks:_

As her more rational and less hormonal self gave up hope and went back to its spectator box, Hermione gave in to temptation and leaned her head slightly until her lips presserd against Professor Snape's throat. He froze and stiffened (in more ways than one) as her tongue briefly flicked against his skin.

_What the hell is she doing?! Get away from her right now before the idiot does something worse!_

_But it feels so nice._

_What!! She is a STUDENT, man! A student! Get control of yourself and stop thinking with your cock!_

_I know she's a student. But she IS of age. And I haven't gotten laid in so long..._

_Fine. Have it your way. I wash my hands of this weirdness._

As Severus gave in to the pleasure of his student's touch, pressing his body into hers, he heard a crash.

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A/N: Yeah I know, evil cliffe etc. I really enjoyed writing this chapter!! Wish I had a beta though. Anyone want to volunteer?

Oh, and by the way... the first person to find the Captain Jack Sparrow quote will get to know the idea I have for a new story before ANYBODY else. :D


	5. Author's Note, Important Not an Update

This is not an update. This is IWantedCaellach's (Kelly's) friend Devan (or Spoon Lass). She mentions me in her biography. You may worship me now.

Only not really. I'm just a sort of messenger. The good kind, not the bad kind in mob movies that blow people up. Trust me on this, I'd know if I was gonna blow anyone up...

Kelly is currently away at boot camp (fun fun fun, eh?), and will be unable to update her story for another two weeks. She's very sorry that it's taking so long, but she's kinda stuck in hell right now. Blame the people who are keeping her hostage! She will update promptly when she gets enough free time and accesses a computer, which as I stated earlier, should be in two weeks or so.

She and I are both very sorry for the inconvenience, so if you guys could be patient for just a bit longer, that'd be great. Thanks much!

-Kelly and Devan


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